Disgusting!

Do you know what's fecking disgusting?
Girls perceptions of body image.
FECK MY LIFE. Honestly, I am so hard on myself about my weight, I KNOW that I eat bad and I KNOW that I don't exercise but I DON'T know how to get rid of the self haterid that will occasionally sore into my mind and will affect me for however long it does before I can shake it.

I have done every diet under the sun, I know you shouldn't diet and you should make a lifestyle change and I try. I am currently back on the 'trying' band wagon but Feck, my life it's hard!

I have honestly abused my body like a retard.
I've done diet pills,
calorie counting,
work out dvds,
gym memberships,
gym classes,
starving myself,
Cup of soup diets
Soup diets,
shake diets,
but I can't stick to any of it.

I KNOW that I need to eat healthy and exercise daily. I am currently going to try really hard AGAIN at this. I just don't have the motivation. I have never, ever, ever been an athletic person. I have never been interested in sport and I have never liked exercise. When I was 17 - 21 I was a stick, I just magically had a fast metabolism and I weighed 63kg. I weighed that eating bad, drinking every weekend and not exercising. I still have that mentality. I still have the skinny bitch mind set. I have the I can eat what I want...until I look in the mirror. I've reached my breaking point and I refuse to have photos taken when I feel like this. This is why TB and I are yet to have our engagement shoot done, he doesn't know that it's because of my self esteem issue at the moment. It sucks.

It's so stupid that I and millions of other girls have low self esteem because of body image. SO many girls judge others on their weight and looks. It doesn't matter how kind, good hearted or hard working you are, if you're esteem is low due to weight it really affects you.

FML.

P.T session tomorrow. I'm also going to try and get up tomorrow morning at 5.40am and go to the gym for half an hour, then get ready for work, drive to work and then after work do the PT session....

Yeahhhhhhh, Watch this space. I'm trying not to set myself up for failure but I am so OVER everything.

P.S very over working 9 hours a day, getting up at 6am, getting home at 6pm, cooking dinner, doing dishes, feeding zee dogs and trying to be motivated to do anything other than lay in bed. ZILLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MOMMMMMENNNNNNTTTTTTTT.